Excellence

I am not trying hard enough.

Tonight at youth, we talked about a lot of things, and it got me thinking. I hate going there sometimes. Today, Wendy asked if anyone would have stood up to the giants (Joshua and Caleb in Numbers) and I was instantly nominated by three people. It hurts, especially when I definitely don't ever stand up to giants. I feel like how everyone sees me isn't right. I hate how Melanie looks up to me like I'm so religious. I hate how I feel every single time I have to agree when all I want to do is ask why. I give religious answers I don't necessarily believe, but that's what the Bible says, so it has to be right. I really don't want anyone to look to me as role model, because I'm doing a crappy job.

Should I try more? Do I even feel the same anymore? I don't know. I've asked myself what my reasons are for this whole thing. I grew up with God looming over my head. Is all I want salvation? I don't know. All I know is I have to keep moving, otherwise I'm dead in the water.

Stupid college. I didn't think before this. I hate it when Wendy is right.